SO it's been a while! As some of you may know, I became a Mom to the sweetest, most perfect little boy on October 23, 2015...and as of January 11, 2016, I also became a Vet Tech student! Now I've got three full-time jobs: work, school, and motherhood. AND I love every minute of it. Alright, alright, now we've got to get down to the hard stuff. Having my son gave me a huge push to pursue my passion and make a better life for both of us, and I'm impressed that I took the leap. But, God, I've been so stressed the past couple weeks. It's hard living with the guilt of only seeing my son awake for an hour every day. It's hard dealing with feelings of inadequacy as a mother and as a woman every day. It's hard waking up at 6, getting myself and my son ready to leave by 7:45 so I can get to school by 8:30, rushing to eat lunch after school, working til 9, eating dinner at 10, going to sleep around 12, getting up at 2 and 4:30 to breastfeed, and doing it all again. It's hard wondering if I'm doing the right things. And it's especially hard wondering if someone will love me again the way Noah loved Allie, and feeling guilty that I wonder that so soon after becoming a mother. With that said, I wouldn't trade that one hour of awake cuddles for all the free time in the world. I'm working so hard every day and I just want someone to be proud of me. It's impossible to know what I've been though to get here...hell, it's a miracle I'm here to tell my story...but honestly I'm ashamed at how often I've screamed in frustration on the way home from school because I just want someone (other than my parents; they're like required to be proud) to be proud of what I'm doing. Mostly it's my fault. When I look in the mirror, I see an exhausted woman riddled with worry lines and eye bags, and with her insecurities written all over her face. What if I miss Sawyer's first laugh because I decided to go back to school? What if he calls my Mom 'Momma' instead of me? Why is my milk supply STILL decreasing? That's the only bonding time we have right now! Ugh. Despite all of this, I know deep down that I'm doing exactly what needs to be done. I'M proud of me. I aim every day to put more into the world than I take from it, and my ultimate goal is to shine light and love to everyone who comes across my path. I want to ease the pain of those who can't verbalize what's wrong. My son will grow up knowing what respect and compassion are, and that his mother loves him so much that she didn't take the easy way in life. I'm struggling, I'm happy, and I will be successful. I'm stronger than anything that tries to get in my way.
I promise not every post will be as heavy as this one...I guess I just needed to get that weight off my chest. Until next time, be kind to everyone around you, especially the furry ones who can't speak English! :)
